You know what a boomerang is. It’s a curved piece of wood which, when thrown, returns to the thrower. It is strongly associated with Australia. Used in a variety of contexts, these days mainly recreational, the boomerang has found a place in our collective consciousness and its handiness as a metaphor can be seen in a range of expressions in everyday use.
Our ready use of the word and our general understanding that the ‘boomerang effect’ describes something that rebounds and can flatten and mask the impact of the phrase. The appealing artefact, a smooth and pleasingly tactile homing device, can’t have too much of a negative impact, right?
Well, it depends. We talk of boomerang kids, a boomerang generation of young or not so youngsters who return to live at home rather than strike out by themselves. It’s a useful expression, which may be uttered ruefully, or resignedly, or however the speaker wants to present the situation. Its handiness and its glibness disguises the fact that the circumstances behind these situations are rarely positive. When there’s a cute phrase available, it’s possible to avoid or ignore the economic and social factors which necessitate these choices.
On the contrary
In social psychology, the boomerang effect describes what happens when your words or actions have the opposite effect to what you intended. It’s probably happened to you at some point.
You try to persuade someone to take a particular course of action or to see a situation in a certain way. You put everything you’ve got into it, you use every persuasive trick in the book, and what happens? They dig their heels in and refuse to budge. In fact, they become even more entrenched in their position.
Or you’ve been at the receiving end. The harder someone tries to convince you to, let’s say, leave or stay with your significant other, or to buy or not buy a certain item, or to attend or not attend a certain event, the more you determine not to change your original stance.
Or we respond to a persuasive pitch by taking up the contrary stance: You know what, I was actually on the point of giving up vaping, but hearing you bang on about it, I’m going to do it more!
Either way, that darn boomerang is doing its stuff.
Conversation comebacks
When it comes to conversational habits, we boomerang in a couple of ways, both related to how we use questions. One habit, or technique, depending on your motivation, is to return a question straight back to the other person.
- They ask: What do you think of the new holiday arrangements?
- You reply: What do you think of them?
- They ask: Do you think we should invite Josh on Sunday?
- You reply: What’s your view on that?
- They ask: How often do you go to the gym?
- You reply: I’m wondering how often you go?
This is a tricky one, because, of course, it’s good to ask people about themselves, and asking questions is a way of showing interest. But by sending this boomerang straight back, you are rebuffing the other person and undermining the conversation. They have invited your opinion, and your disregard for their invitation throws the conversation out of kilter.
If you do this regularly, you could think about why you have developed such a habit. It could be that you avoid self-disclosure. It could be that you shy away from giving your opinion. Perhaps you avoid disagreements. There’s no right or wrong about this, but realising why you respond in this way might encourage you to rely less on the boomerang manoeuvre and to develop a less closed form of communication.
Boom, boom, back to you
The other form of boomerang questioning is the opposite. Instead of turning it back on the other person, you turn it back on yourself. Yes, it’s all about you!
- You ask : Did you enjoy your holiday?
- They reply: Well, it rained most of the time.
- You say: It bucketed down when we were in Ibiza last month! We were forced to blah blah blah…
- You ask: How’s Amber settling down at school?
- They reply: I’m a bit concerned about a couple of things.
- You say: Well, I’m really worried about Leo because he was in this great friendship group and then blah blah blah…
This isn’t a great way to have a conversation. You might think you’re being lively and interesting and making a valuable contribution, but it’s likely that you come across as self-obsessed and not really interested in anyone else. It’s as if the other person is just a springboard to enable you to talk about your own life and your own concerns. You send that boomerang into the air, knowing it’s going to return to where it belongs, to the most important person in the room.
Keep hold of that boomerang
You can keep the boomerang under control (no, of course you can’t control a boomerang, but we’re dealing with a powerful metaphor) by focusing on the other person in a number of ways.
- Be aware of body language. Take in how the other person is reacting. Look for signs that they’re not being receptive. If they shift position, or avoid eye contact, or fidget, it could be that your words aren’t having the effect you hoped.
- Give the other person your full attention. Put them in the centre.
- Focus on the words that are spoken. Hear them echoing in your head.
- Reflect back what they say. Don’t repeat it in a mechanical way – you can paraphrase a little – but show that you have taken it in:
- So things aren’t going too well for Amber at the moment
- What a shame the weather wasn’t great
- Reflect back what you see:
- You’re not looking convinced
- I’m getting the impression that you like/don’t like the idea
No disrespect to boomerangs, but they need to be kept in their place. Oops…
