Who's Sorry Now? How to Apologise Effectively

Elton John observed that ‘sorry seems to be the hardest word’. Sorry to disagree, Sir E, but for many of us it seems to be the easiest word, one which readily trips off our lips in myriads of situations.

Someone bumps into you or gets in your way. ‘Sorry,’ you smile.
You disagree with someone’s opinion. ‘I’m sorry, but I don’t agree,’ you say.
You want to speak to someone. ‘Sorry to disturb you,’ you begin.

And so on. A clever inventor should design a speech monitor which registers individuals’ daily usage of the word. What’s the betting it would be off the scale? And yes, ‘sorry’ appears at the top of this page, almost as if to prove a point…

But here’s the thing. I’m not actually apologising for expressing a point of view. I’m not expressing regret or asking forgiveness for what I’m about to say. I’m merely using a stylistic device. And very often when people say they’re sorry, they are not showing remorse, or repentance, or contrition. They are saying ‘sorry’ as a verbal tic, an automatic response or precursor to what is to come.

Overuse of the word reduces its impact. When the same word is used in the context of trivial social niceties and matters of profound human and political importance, a flattening effect is created. It’s as if equal harm is created by, say, taking someone’s reserved seat on a train and inflicting decades or centuries of oppression on countries, groups and individuals. One little word does a lot of heavy lifting.

Overuse of ‘sorry’ also affects how we come across to others. If your everyday communication is peppered with sorries you run the risk of being perceived as weak, needy, lacking in self-esteem. fearful of conflict, eager to be liked. Oh dear. And there you were, only saying you were sorry to be late or sorry for interrupting or sorry you wouldn’t be able to do the school run…

So a more considered and less automatic use of this problematic word would be beneficial. One way to develop a different approach is to think of the word as having three tiers.

Tier 1

This is the bottom layer, the least significant meaning of ‘sorry’ and the most frequent usage. It’s the reflex which kicks in and takes the word out of our mouths, often in a public context. Negotiating physical and personal encounters is fraught with the possibilities of causing others offence or discomfort. Little wonder that we show our desire to minimise harm, and little wonder that we find it difficult to break the habit.

We could just accept that the word is meaningless in many everyday situations, but that it acts as a signal of goodwill. It’s a kind of phatic communication, like saying How are you? or All right? to a passing acquaintance. You’re not making a genuine enquiry which requires a genuine answer, you’re showing recognition of a fellow human being. It’s a little bit of social glue, that’s all. It’s the same with ‘sorry’. All you’re doing is creating a sense of connectedness.

Tier 2

Let’s move it up a notch and look at situations in which using a word or phrase other than sorry could make you sound and feel more confident. If you are in the habit of apologising too much, it’s also a way of effecting a change in the way you are perceived.

Instead of: Sorry to interrupt
Try: Excuse me, or, Could I have a word
Instead of: Sorry, but I disagree
Try: I disagree, or, I have to say I disagree
Instead of: Sorry I’m late
Try: I appreciate you waiting or Thank you for waiting
(Perhaps be a little careful with this one. Depending on the circumstances, or how your timekeeping is generally perceived by those waiting for you, you might want to add a word of explanation. If they have started the meeting without you, or ordered the meal, it’s hard not to say sorry as you slip into your place, and it may well be the only thing to say.)
Instead of: Sorry to be thick, but I don’t understand
Try: I don’t understand. Could you go over it again/put it in a different way/speak more slowly
Instead of: Sorry, but that’s really upset me
Try: I want to tell you that’s really upset me or That’s really upset me

Tier 3

This is the genuine apology, the one it’s probably most important to get right and possibly the one that is most likely to go wrong. And it matters. In personal and professional contexts, apologising sincerely and appropriately for something you have done or said is essential for the survival of good relationships and your credibility.

Prepare what you are going to say…

…and prepare rather more than seems necessary. When it comes to apologies, we respond positively to repetition and more and longer words. So say that you’re sorry, but say it in different ways as well. Jot down phrases you feel comfortable using. And it’s probably best to avoid any hint of levity or casualness– don’t even think about ‘soz’ or ‘my bad’.

Start with the actual apology
I want to tell you how sorry I am for…
I can’t say how much I regret…
I’m very sorry for…
Own your behaviour
Say what you are apologising for. Briefly refer to what you said or did. Choose how you present it; if you go into too much detail you are repeating or intensifying the offence. Try:
What I said
The way I behaved
The mistake I made
The poor quality of my report
Own the failing
Identify and acknowledge the specific aspect of your behaviour
I was thoughtless
I was careless
I didn’t think
Acknowledge the impact
I realise that I have held up production
I know what I did was hurtful
I realise I have damaged our reputation
Repeat the apology
Which I deeply regret
For which I sincerely apologise
Make amends
Do your best here. If there’s something tangible you can do. offer it. If it’s more a case of being more thoughtful/sensitive/attentive and less hasty/careless/self-absorbed, you still need to offer this better version of yourself, but it’s hard to sound convincing. Your opposite number might think ‘yeah, right’ as you say that in future you will listen more carefully/think about the consequences of your behaviour/ be nicer to whoever… But you need to do it.
Try:
I’m working on how to make sure this doesn’t happen again
I will be more thoughtful when I allocate tasks
If appropriate, make it a two-way process:
Is there any way I can make things better between us?
Can you suggest how we could move on from this/put it behind us
What not to say
I’m sorry if I offended you/ruined the evening/you are upset
Drop the if. Using this expression pushes responsibility away from you and on to the other person.
I’m sorry for what I said but I was drunk at the time/I just can’t seem to get out of the house on time
A clear explanation for your behaviour may be appropriate, but drop the excuses. They may seem valid to you, but they lessen the impact of your apology and keep the spotlight on you rather than the other person.
You know what I’m like/You know me
Stop it. It’s not about you.
Anything casual or slangy
A sincere, thoughtful apology can do without ‘soz’ or ‘what am I like?’

Sorry might be the hardest word, but it’s the one which we most want to hear when someone has hurt us. We say things like:

I wouldn’t have minded but they didn’t even say they were sorry
The least they could have done was apologise

Yes, actions can speak louder than words, and yes, we can apologise silently by sending flowers, but it’s often better to bite the bullet and use the hardest word.