‘But’ is a tough little word that punches way above its weight.We use it to introduce a statement or question which contrasts with what precedes it. So when you say ‘but’, you are making it clear that what you are about to say in some way lessens or negates or modifies what has gone before.
Well, there’s nothing wrong with that, is there? That’s what conversations are built on, the exchange and development of different views. However, the effect of ‘but’ in certain types of conversation can have the effect of distorting the meaning.
Bracing whether…
When we hear the word ‘but’, we brace ourselves for what is to come. We anticipate something negative. What follows can only be something we don’t want to hear.
Your presentation was entertaining, but..
I would like to join you, but…
That jacket looks lovely on you, but…
You are a strong candidate for this position, but…
Your heart sinks as you wait for the rejection or putdown that follows. And, of course, when we hear ‘but’, we discount the positive that precedes it.
Entertaining presentation? Yeah, right. So what was wrong with it?
You’d like to join us? Oh, here comes the excuse.
The jacket looks lovely? Brace yourself. It’s a bit tight/baggy/the trousers are all wrong/you need a haircut.
Good candidate? Obviously not. Not enough experience, not the right fit, in other words, totally useless.
What a carry-on, Cleo…
In Shakespeare’s Antony and Cleopatra, Cleopatra says ‘but’ is like a jailer ready to bring out a vicious criminal.
A bit harsh, perhaps, although maybe not when you consider the circumstances of her observation. She is asking a messenger for news about Antony, who she is madly in love with. All good, says the messenger. He’s well and friends with Caesar, his rival.
Then it comes: ‘But yet’. Oh, she says, ‘I do not like but yet.’
She knows the knock-out punch is coming, the one which wipes out all the good stuff. And it does.
(Spoiler alert: Antony has married another woman. And the poor messenger is flogged).
Go gently…
It’s difficult to say ‘but’ gently. It’s a plosive, one-syllable word that comes out of your mouth like a bullet. Try a gentler connecting word or phrase.
The thing is…
The situation is…
Here’s the problem…
On the other hand…
Having said that…
I need to tell you that…
Words such as ‘though’, ‘unfortunately’ and ‘however’ can slip into your sentence in a way which is clear without being in-your-face, which helps to maintain balance between both parts of your statement.
- I’m pleased you are friends with Josie. I do think, though, that she can be a bad influence on you.
Dear Jeff…
For such a little word, ‘but’ can put our imaginations into overdrive.
Take Roy Lichtenstein’s 1964 pop art painting ‘Oh, Jeff…”. It depicts his trade-mark cartoon-like frame from a comic book magazine, showing a blonde girl having a telephone conversation. Her expression is distressed, and her speech bubble says ‘Oh, Jeff…I Love You Too…But…’
It’s the ‘but’ which immediately references familiar plots and stories in films, dramas, novels, life. We’ll all have our favourite, most intriguing way of completing the statement.
…I can’t marry you
…I’m leaving town tomorrow
…I’m seeing somebody else
…the ship is sinking
…not in that way
The one thing we can be sure of is that poor old Jeff’s heart will sink when he hears that ‘but’.