People Pleaser People Person People Skills — that’s a whole lot of P’s, nearly in the same league as the tongue-twister about Peter Piper and his Pickled Peppers. A proliferation (darn, there it is again) of the P word is inevitable in discussions about communication as we judge and categorise ourselves and others according to the style and nature of our personal interactions.
It should be OK to be a People Pleaser, we might think. What’s wrong with being the kind of person who likes to make things easy for others, and who, embarrassing as it may be to admit, likes to be liked? Well, there’s basically nothing wrong with that. Being likeable must be better than being unlikeable. But the desire to be likeable can shape communication styles in a way which has an outcome opposite to the one a People Pleaser is hoping for.
The trouble with categories is that inevitably they are broad, and many of us will identify with some defining characteristics of a certain type, but not all. You may recognise some of these descriptions of behaviour that is associated with the desire to please and keep on the right side of others.
Saying yes
You often end up agreeing to things you don’t want to do. You go to social occasions you’d rather swerve, you take on jobs or tasks or roles that aren’t your choice – and so on.
Avoiding conflict
You shy away from any form of disagreement or contradiction. You ‘give in’ very quickly.
Not expressing preferences or opinions
When presented with a choice, you often say you don’t mind, any of the options is fine by you. You might avoid committing yourself by saying something like I don’t know, what do you think?
Not sharing conversations equally
You tend to wait for the other person to lead. You let others dominate and direct the direction of the interaction
The thing is, these habits tend not to have the desired effect. They don’t cause us to be well-liked, they just irritate people. Someone who never puts their head above the parapet can be very annoying. And it’s possible that this behaviour makes people think less of you and dismiss any contribution you might make.
How always saying yes can backfire
You know what it’s like when you can always rely on someone to comply with a request. That someone becomes the go-to person for practically anything you want, the person who you know can be relied on to make life easier for you by taking on tasks, or turning up to any event or making excuses on your behalf… How easy it is to take for granted the yes-people in your life, and to feel your estimation of them slip just a little lower as they let you take them for granted.
Being the yes-person doesn’t make you likeable. The real liking which is seen in positive relationships can’t develop in contexts defined by the inequalities fostered by lack of openness and honesty and the possibility of exploitation.
How avoiding conflict can backfire
The word conflict does a lot of heavy lifting, possibly a bit too much in some contexts. It is used to cover a whole range of situations from serious, life-affecting differences of views to minor disagreements and squabbles.
You might think that ducking away from all such situations avoids what you see as unpleasantness and removes the risk of someone taking against you because you have a different point of view. Well, it could happen. But if you see conflict as something to be explored and negotiated with respect on both sides rather than something to be avoided at all costs, you are sowing the seeds of an equal relationship based on knowledge and understanding.
If you collapse and retreat at the first sign of argument or disagreement you risk losing respect, and you block the possibility of growth.
How not expressing opinions or preferences can backfire
Never committing yourself to a point of view that someone might disagree with is a way of being agreeable and likeable, you might think. But oh dear, it doesn’t work like that. It’s actually annoying. Someone who is talking about their feelings and thoughts usually likes some response which goes further than a I don’t know, really or Mmm I see what you mean. Such a lack of engagement affects the nature of relationships and encounters and can make others think that they are not being listened to. Far from being liked, you slip right down the list of people it’s good to talk to.
Never expressing an opinion can cause frustration and annoyance. You might think you’re being nice and agreeable by showing willingness to go with any suggestion, and sometimes of course your flexibility is gratefully received. But not always. If your default position is along the lines of I really don’t mind, whatever you prefer, people can be left wondering if that can actually be true, and may feel manipulated into always making the decision about where you eat or what film to see or where to go on holiday. Anyway, what’s wrong with expressing preferences? Our choices reveal something about ourselves and enrich our relationships.
How not sharing conversations equally can backfire
Always letting other people set the agenda and direct the flow of conversation can seem like the easiest option and the one guaranteed to keep you in good favour. This can be the case – there’s nothing like a willing audience for a story we are longing to tell or a diatribe we intend to deliver with gusto. But if you never make a contribution, never add anything of your own and never initiate a change of subject, you become just a passive recipient, someone whose only role is to provide a backdrop for someone else’s drama. And if that is the only part you have to play, there is little chance of real liking being generated.
Being a People Person with People Skills
Back to the P’s. It’s a tricky phrase, this, a little bit evocative of someone who determinedly call you by your name all the time and makes insistent eye contact.
But it’s more than that. Focus on ‘People’. Think of moving out of pleasing mode and developing the assertive kinds of behaviour and ways of communicating that show respect for others – too much respect to see them as people who are to be feared, or appeased, or kept at arm’s length.
And start with respect for yourself. It’s more than OK to engage fully, to express your thoughts feelings and preferences, and to be comfortable with others’ rights to do the same. That’s the path to genuine likeability, and you can take your first steps whenever you like.
Good luck.
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