Let’s be honest, we all use a little bit of manipulation now and then in order to get what we want.
Some of us know how to turn on the charm when we need to. We have a few strategies up our sleeve for bringing reluctant people on board with our plans.
Emotional manipulation comes in many shapes and forms.
You might experience the occasional twinge of unease when you realise that someone is pulling your strings. You might find yourself uncomfortably caught in a personal or professional relationship which is defined by the power imbalance created by the use of manipulation.
The manipulators in your life might be family members or friends, or they might be colleagues who may or may not be senior to you at work. What they have in common is a desire to control your behaviour.
In some situations, perfectionist behaviour works. Close, excruciating attention to criteria and standards is essential in contexts which involve, for example, people’s lives.
You don’t want your surgeon to execute a cut which is ‘near enough’ the right place, or the person controlling your flight to tell the pilot not to worry if they can’t climb.
In our everyday personal and professional lives, however, perfectionism is not only unnecessary, but can also be damaging.
Put-downs are more subtle than straightforward criticism. The clue is in the name.
Whereas overt critical comments or negative feedback aren’t (always) intended to diminish, demean or make you doubt or feel bad about yourself, put-downs aim at doing just that. They are the barbed comments, the throwaway lines, the seemingly innocent questions which catch you off-balance.
You may not be clear about precisely what point is being made, or how you are expected to respond. You just know you feel unsettled, put on the defensive and got-at. Here’s how to deal with put-downs.
Jerry Seinfeld did it all wrong when he couldn’t remember someone’s name but Elaine came to his rescue by introducing herself
We’ve all experienced that moment of panic when you happen to meet someone you know, an acquaintance, a neighbour, a past or present colleague, a friend of a friend, a parent of your kid’s friend, your best mate’s ex of a year ago, and your mind goes blank.
You just can’t remember their name. You feel awkward and embarrassed, and wish you’d dodged round the other aisle in the supermarket or pretended to be absorbed in your phone before it was too late.
Helping someone going through grief or loss can be awkward and challenging but their feelings are in another league from your mild social embarrassment.
It is, of course, all about them and not about us. It is a pity that our feelings of inadequacy and uselessness when faced with someone’s pain can often cause us to avoid them because we just don’t know what to say.
We all know the benefits of criticism, or negative feedback as it is often called. We know we should see being criticised as an opportunity to learn and grow, and we should be grateful that someone has pointed out our shortcomings (like we aren’t already aware of them). Oh, thank you so much for showing me where I go wrong! I have gained so much from the benefit of your insight! How can I ever repay you!
At the back of our minds, even as we bristle with rage or blink away tears in the face of criticism, we know that when it is justified, it can have genuinely valuable results. That doesn’t mean we like hearing negative things about our behaviour, even (or especially) when we know they are true.