Way back when, there wasn’t that much discussion about bragging or boasting. It was regarded by and large as A Bad Thing. At the slightest indication that you might be ‘blowing your own trumpet’ or ‘tooting your horn’, you would be firmly put in your place with a reminder that ‘self -praise stinks’ or a warning about becoming ‘too big for your boots’.
We’re talking about the dark ages, of course, when self-esteem wasn’t a familiar concept and we weren’t encouraged to boost our sense of self-worth by identifying our strong points and achievements, let alone sharing them with others.
So you would think that nowadays, when the careful curation and promoting of a flattering image is essential to social media communication, the whole idea that there is something unacceptable about broadcasting one’s achievements would have disappeared. But it still looms large. We find it hard to reconcile our dislike of other people’s bragging with our own need to receive affirmation of aspects of our lives which we’re proud of or pleased about or which give us satisfaction.
We don’t want to humble-brag and we dislike it in others. But we shy away from covert up-front boasting, and often hide our discomfort through humour or understatement — but hey, aren’t these strategies and open to a charge of humble-bragging? Sigh, as Charlie Brown would say…
Sometimes a great notion…
It may be helpful to move away from notions of boasting and self-glorifying communication and think about what we want to say and why we want to say it.
You might be bursting with pride at your or your child’s recent academic or professional or sporting achievement. You might be delighted with a new purchase or a holiday you’ve booked or enjoyed. You might feel buoyed up and elated by the fact that you’re rich. There is, of course, the option of privately revelling in aspects of your good fortune, but on the whole we’re not made that way. The urge to share, to say the words out loud, is hard-wired in our collective psyche.
Often, we just can’t keep quiet. Think about how hard it is to keep a secret. You might be familiar with a story about the mythical King Midas who was cursed with having ass’s ears instead of regular human ones. He hid the offending items under his hair and the few people who knew were threatened with direst consequences if they told anyone. His wife kept the secret until she could stand it no more, and chose as her safe pair of ears (ha) the river. She crouched on the bank and whispered the secret – but the reeds caught her words and broadcast them. People, it did not end well.
Prepare the ground
But sharing your pleasure and satisfaction about something you feel pleased and proud about needn’t have an adverse effect. It depends on what you say, how you say it and who you say it to.
Do some prep work on this. Begin by identifying what you feel and why. Is there a background to your story? Your delight in your child’s achievements could be fuelled by your awareness of obstacles they’ve overcome or the hard work they put in. Or you could be brimming with delight that they are ahead of their peers, or perhaps they are progressing at the usual rate and you are thrilled and relieved with that you have produced such a wonderful child. It really doesn’t matter. You don’t have to apologise to anyone for feeling the way you do.
Practice saying the words to yourself:
- I’m so proud of myself for dealing with the situation
- The assessor said it was the best dissertation they’d seen. I feel warm inside just thinking of it
- Oliver is in line for a prize – I’m beyond proud
- Olivia won the match for them – I could put her on my own shoulders
So these are things you want to say. Where do you go? You could post on your socials. You know better than anyone the nature and tone of your particular groups, and only you can judge how the picture of you holding the dance trophy or sitting at your very expensive kitchen island or finishing your sixth marathon will be received.
If it’s a work situation, choose your audience judiciously. You might need to swallow your distaste for self-promotion and craft your communication in a professional way. There’s no point in hoping your achievements will be noticed and remembered by the people who matter. Don’t feel bashful about landing a contract or making a significant sale. Write the memo or report, speak to the appropriate person. It’s a job, and its best to play by the rules.
Family and friends
The potentially trickiest and most satisfying audience is a friend or family member. This conversation can take place IRL, or in writing. You are looking for a receptive listener, someone who will understand and empathise with your feelings. Take some care with this and examine your reasons for your choice. If there’s the slightest awareness that there might be some one-upmanship going on, or that your listener’s own circumstances might skew their response, maybe think again.
Be absolutely up front. Tell them what’s happened and how you’re feeling. Don’t slide it into the conversation, or throw it out as you’re finishing. You can make it clear that this is a big thing for you – maybe not the event so much as your feelings and how it’s affected you:
- There’s something I’m dying to tell you
- I have to tell you I’m so proud/pleased with
Don’t hold back. After all, you won’t be putting it quite like this to many other people. And your honesty about your feelings is a gift to your listener. It’s hard to say such things without self-deprecation, irony, apology, humour. And of course it doesn’t really matter. Just be aware of what you’re doing and acknowledge it:
- I feel so stupid making such a big deal of this – but somehow it really matters
- I can’t believe I’m bigging myself up like this – but honestly I’m so proud
A lovely outcome would be if you could set yourselves up as Bragging Buddies. Get together every so often and have a no-holds barred exchange of things you want to boast about. Listen to and accept each other’s feelings. Buoy each other up.
Blow your own trumpets as loudly as you can.
