Our lives can be enhanced by virtual assistants such as Alexa and Siri and even that bossy satnav guide who may well have an individual name, chosen with as much thought as we give to naming our pets. With the stroke of a key, we can buddy up with ‘The AI companion who cares’, as offered by a recent software advertisement.
Doctored ‘who’
Look at the clever use of the word ‘who’. It’s a word which refers to a person, as opposed to an object, and its use in this context helps to create or consolidate the idea that a chatbot is a human being, just like you and me. Whoever coined the slogan certainly knows their way around relative pronouns, which may well put them in a minority, because, strangely enough, at a time when our choice of pronouns is under scrutiny, it does seem as if we have become careless in the way we use ‘who’ and ‘that’. You might have noticed (or not) the tendency to say ‘that’ with reference to people: ‘the person that…’, ‘the driver that…’, ‘the parent that…’
Tempting as it might be to dismiss this as something to concern only fully paid-up members of Pedants’R’Us, it actually matters. We can embrace the way language constantly changes and evolves, while at the same time resisting changes or usages which undermine our common humanity. Words work in powerful and subtle ways, and we’re often unaware of how they shape our view of ourselves and the world we inhabit.
Some of the words, or labels, we use to describe a negative view of people and behaviour actually have a flattening effect, creating a general sense rather than a considered description of personalities and characteristics. Some expressions reduce the person in question and obliterate their complexity.
Fair enough, we might think, there are some people who don’t deserve a moment’s further thought. This might well be true, but the thing is, by applying a catch-all label we lessen our understanding of the person and of ourselves, and limit our choice of ways to communicate.
Objections to obnoxious
Take the word ‘obnoxious’. It’s a handy expression:
- ‘The group at the next table were really obnoxious and ruined the evening’
- ‘He was so obnoxious when I asked for time off’
- ‘She’s really obnoxious. No one likes her’
The general idea is clear. Obnoxious means unpleasant, offensive, vile, annoying, objectionable, horrible and so on. It communicates an overall impression, but it doesn’t identify the precise qualities or behaviour under scrutiny.
Take the obnoxious fellow diners. What were they like? What were they doing? Perhaps they were very loud. Maybe there was a lot of intrusive selfie activity. They might have had voices or accents you found annoying. Possibly they kept up a string of complaints, or were rude to the waiting staff. Or, a fight involving bread rolls…? (If all the above apply, poor you, and ‘obnoxious’ will certainly do for a start.)
Focus and frame
Being specific about what you find objectionable doesn’t make the behaviour go away, but it tells you something about yourself, and gives you a focus for deciding how to respond to and how to frame similar situations. Maybe you have a low tolerance of noise, or perhaps inconsiderate behaviour really gets to you, or you associate certain accents with particular types of people. Knowing why you are feeling this way and choosing words which express your response gives you some control over your feelings. Even if there is little you can do to retrieve a spoiled evening, exploring its cause increases or consolidates your self-knowledge, and can create richer communication when you discuss the experience.
- ‘They spoke very loudly in these braying voices, which I really hate because they sound so over-privileged’
- ‘One of them jiggled our table and caused a drink to be spilt. I wouldn’t have minded so much if they’d noticed and said sorry’
In what way was the person obnoxious when you asked for time off? Did they ask intrusive questions? Did they use it as an opportunity to comment on your work? Did they show little sympathy or understanding?
- ‘They didn’t look up from their laptop, and I felt as if I didn’t matter’
- They raised their eyebrows and sighed, as if I was being unreasonable’
And the person no one likes because she is so obnoxious – well, that really says nothing! Give yourself and us all a bit more to go on. Describe the behaviour, with an example, and explore ways of responding and interacting with the person in question.
- ‘She agrees to keep something confidential, then shares it. You can’t trust her’
- ‘She always tries to go one better’
Toxic harm
Another word which is widely and loosely used is ‘toxic’. In addition to its application to poisonous substances, the term is more generally applied to behaviour which the speaker perceives to be harmful. Outside therapeutic contexts, it’s used in general conversation to suggest elements of manipulation, control, imbalance – nasty stuff.
Toxic is a powerful word, but not a helpful one. Rather than slap on a label for the behaviour, try describing what the person does, and what you think about it. You may find a word which encapsulates the nature of your interactions, or you may find a range of expressions. When you hit on a term which you think applies, describe an incident to illustrate it. As soon as you do this, you can see that ‘toxic’, while seeming to say so much, actually says nothing.
- ‘I don’t like the way he talks over her, and she accepts it. It seems to me an imbalanced relationship’
- ‘She always laughs when I make a mistake, and I feel stupid. It’s affecting my confidence.’
Mean what you say
‘Mean’ perhaps gets rather more of an airing than it should. Funnily enough, it seems not be used so much these days to indicate lack of generosity or unwillingness to part with money, maybe because we have a range of colourful expressions for these attributes. Saying that a person is mean to you reveals very little about what is actually going on.
The word has playground associations – children are known to complain about someone being mean to them – and as such, isn’t a really strong term for everyday communication. Some of its associated words, such as nasty or rude, are similarly loose and unspecific. Find a way of describing what the person does or says to earn the description. Perhaps it’s a spiteful remark. Perhaps it’s going behind your back, being underhand about something that should have been out in the open.
Our negative qualities, our faults and failings, are part of us. They are part of being fully human, and it’s more important than ever to treasure our common humanity. Name-calling, labelling, using words which apply to things rather than people are ways of eroding this.
So, all you obnoxious, toxic, mean individuals, does this imply you’re off the hook? Not a chance. But at least you’ll be referred to with a pronoun which recognises that you are a human being…
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