Personal Development Author
Your fingers thump the keyboard or your pen digs into the paper as you pour out your anger, disappointment, annoyance, rage, concern — whatever emotion it is that has propelled you to write to complain. You finish writing, press send and sit back to wait for the response, which may or may not be to your satisfaction. Putting some forethought and preparation into a complaint letter will raise the chance of you getting the kind of response you want.
Who would have thought in this digital age, that books containing collections of personal handwritten letters would be flying out of bookshops? Readers are buying Shaun Usher’s ‘Letters of Note’, a fabulous-looking collection of 100 letters written by people including Queen Elizabeth II, Iggy Pop, Gandhi and Einstein. We also love ‘To the Letter’, Simon Garfield’s fascinating trawl through the history of letter-writing from the Romans to the present day. And then there’s a ripple of excitement at the discovery of 13 unpublished letters written by Mary Shelley, the author of ‘Frankenstein’.
Season of goodwill? Not if you look at the stats about seasonal family stress and tension and the level of internet traffic to getyourdivorcehere.com and (genuine) related sources of information about dealing with relationships stretched to breaking point. The ingredients of a ‘typical’ Christmas don’t augur well. Take a huge dollop of pressure to spend money which you may or may not have. Prepare a ticking clock. Add a never-ending list of things that need to be done before the Big Day, on top of, not instead of, all the normal demands on your time. Throw in generous amounts of unfamiliar food which must be bought and prepared and which will be eaten in unfamiliar quantities and in digestion-challenging combinations. Sprinkle liberally with the obligation to drink copious amounts of alcohol at unfamiliar times of the day.
It shouldn’t be difficult to turn down an invitation but it is. We feel that because someone has asked us, we have to say yes. We feel we have been put on the spot, put in a situation which gives us no choice. Start by flipping that switch and telling yourself ‘It’s OK to say no.’ In fact, it’s more than OK. With some exceptions, of course, the right thing to do if you don’t want to go to something is to say so. To join in an occasion half-heartedly or grudgingly and moan about it afterwards as if it is someone else’s fault that you didn’t have a good time, is mean-spirited and unworthy of you. Here are some ways of dealing with invitations.
Too many cooks spoil the broth? You can lead a horse to water but you can’t make it drink? Perhaps you greet these and similar phrases with the kind of incomprehension created by some job titles, where you can understand each word individually but haven’t a clue what they mean when strung together. These sayings are examples of old saws and proverbs, nuggets of folk wisdom which have been passed down through generations as guides to living. They are comfortable cliches which may be safely dropped into conversation with an air of wisdom and authority (to which the speaker sometimes has very little claim). However, the ideas behind these maybe-soon-to-be-forgotten sayings are still relevant. They offer suggestions for dealing with life’s challenges which are applicable to us all when we feel the pressure getting to us.
With National Stress Awareness Day taking place this month it’s a good time to focus on ways of helping each other through the stressful periods which are familiar to us all (yes, I know that C-word is coming, and we will return to it). How can you tell when someone close to you is getting close to the edge? Look for distinct changes in their behaviour and emotional state. Someone who is often moody or a little snappy might just get a bit more so when under pressure. That will pass, probably. So when someone’s responses are uncharacteristically bad-tempered, or when a usually sociable person becomes withdrawn, or when they seem unable to make decisions or cope with tasks, you might pick up on the fact that they are under a lot of pressure.
You are struggling to get a piece of work or a task finished in time and a friend or colleague offers to help you out. You say no thanks, I’m fine. Or someone who knows you have a lot on at the moment offers to do more than their share of the school run. You say I can still do my bit, thanks. Someone offers to cook the meal (oh how we wish) because you’ve had a tiring day. I can manage, you say through gritted teeth. Just pour me a large glass of wine… This type of exchange leaves you feeling a bit nettled and makes the person who offered to help feel rebuffed.
What do you think when you hear that someone is ‘assertive’? Hmm. Chances are that you don’t think oh, they sound fun, can’t wait to meet them. The word has acquired a range of rather forbidding associations. You might relate it to people who are mouthy or pushy or forceful in a way which makes others feel uncomfortable and got at. That kind of behaviour isn’t assertive at all and there are other names for it, including unpleasant, nasty, inconsiderate. Yet the link between assertive behaviour and displays of aggression lingers.
Sorry seems to be the hardest word, as Elton John reminds us, but that’s not always the case. Sometimes sorry is the easiest word, the one we use to get us off the hook, to make us look good, to prevent further discussion. We use sorry to cover the tiniest of transgressions against our fellow humans, such as when we inadvertently collide with someone or forget to do the washing-up or eat the last chocolate Hobnob – well, when I say tiny… We use the same word when our actions have caused serious hurt or damage. The word is both overused and underused, with the result that sometimes just saying sorry isn’t enough.
We live on a crowded planet, which never seems more crowded as when we feel our personal space is being invaded by – well, you name it. The person sitting next to you on the train whose legs-and arms-splayed sitting position threatens to push you into the corner. The group who take up the whole of the pavement so you have to get out of the way. The individual who speaks so loudly as to drown out all other voices. The way we handle our environment and the space around us sends a message about our attitudes to other people, and those who claim too much space may be perceived as arrogant and self-absorbed. It could be they just don’t realise the effect their behaviour has.
It’s easy on quiz shows. ‘Hi, I’m Brad, I’m 42 and I’m a sales executive from Cardiff’ is a snappy and concise introduction. In real-life situations, we prefer more nuanced ways of exchanging information and sussing each other out. There used to be a strict etiquette for introductions. The famous British reserve was mocked in jokes, such as the story of the two Englishmen who were stranded together for six months on a desert island but didn’t speak because they hadn’t been introduced. The slackening of rules has made communication easier and more fun but the lack of guidelines can make us feel awkward and embarrassed and not sure if we’re getting it right. Here’s how you can get it right.
September is the true month for fresh starts. Summer begins to fade and the evenings grow a little shorter. The mornings are cool and slightly misty. There is a glorious autumn to anticipate. We feel energised and ready for action after the summer break. Autumn is the start of academic and school years, a pattern so ingrained that a visit to any high-street stationer gets many of us piling our baskets with files and folders and pens, even though our Back to School days are long gone. January is the worst possible month for making demands of ourselves. The festive season has left us bloated and broke, the weather is cold and damp and miserable and there are 60 days to get through before the slightest glimmer of spring lightens our spirits.